I'm gonna have a badass scar
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
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he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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