Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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