I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
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I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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