Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
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I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
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The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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