Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
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Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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