I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
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How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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