I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My bed smells like the plague
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