Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
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I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
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Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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