It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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