??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
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he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
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i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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