Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
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The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
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Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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