recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
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Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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