I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
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It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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