Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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