I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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