sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
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We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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