The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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