Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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