I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
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I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
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I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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