Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
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You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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