I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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