I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
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So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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