Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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