Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
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I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
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I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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