the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
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She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
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NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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