remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize