Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
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And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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