I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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