drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize