I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
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He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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