woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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