Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
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Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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