if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
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just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
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WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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