I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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