Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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