I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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