I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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