you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
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to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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