Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
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searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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