If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My balls are so social today.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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