got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
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Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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