every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
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I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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