I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize