I am midnight drunk by noon
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
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She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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