Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
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They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize