My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just want nice things and good sex
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
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