Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
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It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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