fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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