this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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