We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
this hospital has no fireball
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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